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Understand the Meaning of Marriage

August 22, 2012

Jodiya to bhagwan banata hai – bas unka milna humpar chod deta hain “ said Shahrukh khan in Dil to Pagal hai. Our elders call it sanjog. If marriage is decided in heaven, why there is a debate over love marriage vs arranged marriage? Isn’t the couple that is meant to get married will get married no matter what type of marriage they undergo? What can we mere mortals do? But then the Almighty doesn’t inform us who is our janam-janamantar ka saathi and humans have to work hard to find the one and hence the the debate. How times have changed to find the right one!

Ancient Indian scriptures talk about “Swayam Var” a practice of choosing a husband, from among a list of suitors, by a girl of marriageable age. Remember Sita’s swayamwar to Rama , Draupadi’s Swayamvar  in the Mahabharata (NDTV Imagine did try to revive the ancient custom of Swyamvar  by arranging Swaymar of Rakhi Sawant, Rahul Mahajan etc and was able to get Rahul married to Dimpy but audiences  ko baat hajam nahin hui(couldn’t digest) and the show and the channel ended up closing down without finding groom for Veena Malik!). Over time the practice of parents arranging the marriage of their children became prevalent. Our grandparents got married early to the one chosen by parents, they didn’t see their other half till marriage. During our parents time the girl brought tea wearing a saree when ladke wale(would be groom’s family) came to see her, acting coy and nice trying to answer questions  Do you cook well? Sing well? And if both parties agree to the the lakhsmi (aka dowry) that the would be lakhsmi bring there is band, baaja and baarat else more cycles of  dekhna dikhana.

With more women entering professional colleges and entering workforce parents agreed to the occupational hazard of the one studying in same college or working in same office as their child which at times was of a different caste Jab miyaan biwi raazi tu kya karega kazi .(when bride and groom agree what can the priest do). Matchmakers have also evolved with changing times, changing from Panditji, neighbour aunty to newspapers and matrimony sites. How it would be for Gen Y, our children. As my friend Ishi said “ Aaj ke bache agar bata dein ki shaddi kar rahein hai to ganimat hogi, agar ladka ladki se shadi kar raha hai to relief hogi, aur agar band baaje ke saath kar rehe hain tu khsuhi hogi…It’s their life -hum budha budhi aashirwad de hi denge “(Today’s kids if they get married would be great,if a boy marries a girl it would be relief and if they get married with band-baja then it would be happiness we two old people will give our blessings anyways).  World has also move beyond intercaste issue, working-non working issue to same sex marriage, sing “Ma ka ladla bigad gaya?”(Mom’s son has spoilt) Hmmm, ahhh…we’ll cross the bridge when we come to now let’s talk about love and arranged marriage.

As Mansi and  Shivani in New Show Love Marriage Ya Arranged Marriage on Sony’s  have raised pros and cons of love and arranged marriage as shown below.

Love and Arranged Marriages - Pros and Cons

Love and Arranged Marriages – Pros and Cons

Nothing is perfect, Chaand mein bhi daag hai(even moon has a black spot) As a famous sher goes “kahin kisi ko mukamaal jahen nahin milta..kahin zameen to kahin aasman nahin milta” (No one gets a perfect world, some don’t get earth some sky).  If you listen to the jokes about marriage – one wonders why do people get married – Shaadi woh laddoo hai jo khahe woh pachtaye jo na khaye woh bhi pacheteya.(Marriage is that sweet those who eat regrets those who don’t also regret), “Happiness is not the only thing so get married”, Or  Its funny when people discuss over Love marriage and arranged marriage It is like asking a person if he would Like to ‘hang himself” or “shoot himself”. But there is some logic, some thoughts as to why our forefathers felt the need for institution of marriage beyond the biological obligation of reproduction, making us homo-sapiens different from other animals. Which inspite of many divorces western world has still not given up on. Let’s take example of wedding vows from Christian marriage

“I, ___, take you ___, to be my wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’til death do us part: according to God’s holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge you my love and faithfulness.“ Or Saath pheras of  hindu around the Agni Devta(holy fire) (which sadly are lost in pandit’s chants in Sanskrit) promising each other.

Meaning of Saath Pheras

Meaning of Saath Pheras

But what about Love? Let’s try to understand What is love? Where do we get the notion of what love is ? We grow up on stories of love as suggested by books and movies. She dreams of tall, dark, handsome (and rich) boy, he dreams of beauty with brains who can make him and his family happy It’s okay to have a happening girl friend but biwi to sati savitri chahiye(as shown in recent hindi movie Cocktail) Where she dreams of her prince coming in white horse and sweeping her off her feet and take her( where is conveniently ignored). Our fairly tales stop at marriage and it is assumed that shall live happily ever after or love stories end in tragedy like Laila Majnu, Shrin Farhad, Heer Ranjha, Sohni Mahiwal, Romeo Juliet etc.   Bollywood talks of love as  “Nazreen mili, dil dhaka , meri dhakan ne kaha kaha love u raja“  Boy and girl meet(mostly poor boy rich girl), sparks fly( Kuch kuch hota hai)  and they sing and dance “Kya yahin pyaar hein – dil tere bin kahin lagta nahin waqt guzrata nahin”  (is this love , my heart can’t focus anywhere time stands still). And lovers leaving everything for their love looks so romantic on screen.

But marriage is a different ball game. In real life marital alliance is followed  by years of up and downs. There will be periods when everything seems hunky dory there are bound to be phases when things seem to be heading downhill. While matches are made in heaven , it requires lot of hard work on earth. which is also being shown in various soap operas. Toostie and Tej in Saas bina sasural show how to make a love marriage work, Priya and Ram in Bade Ache Lagte hai show how arranged marriages can be successful too if both are committed to make it work. And once kids come in picture then responsibilities become manifold and it calls for hard work, balance and love to give the right Parvarish. If not, then ghurasti ki gadi dagmaga jati hai(marriage become turbulent), and one ends up saying “Kya hua tera wada”(what happened to your promise)

Rigveda says ” ekam sat vipra bahudha vadanti” which means Truth is one, though the sages know it as many, God is one though different religions approach him differently. Arranged marriage or Love marriage -paths may be different but our destination is the same – marriage.

Arranged or love marriage  or love which is arranged or arranged which becomes love, to each his own but we need to realize it is marriage koi gude gudiyoon ka khel nahin(not a game of dolls). We and our family need to use both head and heart. Marriage is a promise to fulfill the duties together, ying and yang bringing the balance to each other,  no wonder they say pati aur patni gaadee ke do pahiye hai aur unme talmel hoona zarrori hai(husband and wife are like two wheels of the vehicle and they need to be in sync). Understand the meaning of marriage, get married for right reasons for then “Tere haath haath mein hain agar to safar hi asle hyaat hein, mere har kadam pein hain manzilion tera haath gar mere saath hai!“( with your hands in mine, every step of journey seems like destination).

This post is for contest indbiblogger:Love Marriage Ya Arranged Marriage  What do you think? You can share your thoughts, read about others opinions on Love Marriage Ya Arranged Marriage on facebook

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